


Hold It Against Me

by CobaltStargazer



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Canon Divergence, Emotional Sex, F/F, Feels, Mentions of alcoholism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-10
Updated: 2014-10-10
Packaged: 2018-02-20 15:10:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2433269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CobaltStargazer/pseuds/CobaltStargazer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's so hard to tell when it's too soon when all you can think about is that piece of yourself that's been missing for so long.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hold It Against Me

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by a song someone linked me to, which was originally done by Britney Spears and then covered by someone named Andy Lange. The cover is better. I suggest checking it out.
> 
> _"If I said my heart was beating loud,  
>  If we could escape the crowd somehow,  
> If I said I want your body now,  
> Would you hold it against me?"_

Three months had gone by since Alex had gotten separated from her husband, giving her time to think. She'd even pulled away from Erin a bit, because she'd wanted to get some emotional distance between them in the wake of the Replicator. She was relieved that the blonde was alive. More than relieved, she was _thrilled_. Beyond her own feelings, knowing that Curtis had ultimately lost was gratifying in a way she could hardly articulate. Still, though, she didn't want to make the wrong decision out of emotionality. So while it had been damned difficult, she'd put some space between herself and Erin so she could get her head together. After the night she and the other woman had gone to sleep in their clothes, she'd restrained herself from too much contact.

Erin accepted the decision gracefully, but she missed the re-established closeness. She discussed the subject with David, and he admitted that Alex had sought him out for counsel as well. "You have to give it time, Erin," he had advised. "SHe doesn't know what to do any more than you do, all she knows is that she doesn't want to hurt anyone."

So they continued to work together in the office, and if any of the others noticed the glances they'd occasionally exchange, no one mentioned it. The linguist marked the days off of her calendar with black X's. She worried about James, the effect this was having on him. She alternated between that and aching for the sensation of Erin's hands and mouth on her body. So strange that one kiss had wrought all of this, this silent earthquake. Having walked through life being so certain of who she was, Alex was rattled to discover that perhaps she hadn't been entirely self-aware.

When the three months were finally over, the brunette finished work on evening and packed some folders into her briefcase, then looked at the silent bullpen before leaving the building. This job had been her life for a long time, and in the Now that fact was only slightly altered. Alex took the elevator down to the lobby alone, wondering what her life would be like tomorrow.

Erin got home late, having had to attend to a budget meeting before getting caught in traffic. As she piloted her vehicle down the street, she yawned quietly, looking forward to a long hot bath. She was due to see the kids this weekend. It felt good to bee getting back on the right track with them. It wasn't the way it had been, but she'd repaired most of the damage.

It was nearly dark when Erin reached her driveway, and she paused when she spotted the familiar car parked in front of the house. On the steering wheel, her hands tightened. Before she pulled into the space behind the other vehicle, she looked at her eyes in the rear view. Tried not to feel too much hope.

Alex got out of the car when the saw the blonde extinguish her headlights, and they looked at each other in the thickening dusk when Erin exited her vehicle. It had been a long road to get back here, and the future was an untouched canvas. The brunette took slow steps in the other woman's direction, because she seemed frozen in place. Whether they'd be joyous or damned was anyone's guess.

Years before this, Alex had jumped without thinking, done something uncharacteristic and ignored the logical, safe way to go about things. Erin was watching her, hands tucked into her seasonal coat's pockets. She had wanted to give the linguist time to consider things, even though she was terrified of not trying to engineer the results she wanted. To play politics with it, in a way. That had been what caused the initial rupture. So she'd forced herself to take a step back and let thing run their course. To do something against the grain.

"I'm sorry this has taken so long." Alex said it when she was a foot away, and the dark was encroaching fast. She could just make out Erin's eyes.

The blonde shook her head almost imperceptibly. "You had a lot to think about." _Please don't say you changed your mind._ "What did you...decide?"

The linguist wet her lower lip, and she didn't have butterflies in her stomach. There were bats in there, big, fluttering bats with their wings stirring up a tornado. All roads apparently led to this place, this time in her life. Her mouth smiled, but the look in her eyes said _God, if you tell me its too late, it'll probably kill me._ Alex held up her left hand. No ring. She'd taken it off that morning.

"I can't remember when it wasn't you, Erin."

Not for the first time, Erin's shoulders sagged with the relief of it, and she leaned back against the closed door of her car as she took a deep breath. She wasn't sure she believed in soul mates, or fate, but to finally hear Alex confirm that this was a blessed inevitability had her reaching for an invisible anchor so she didn't go sailing off of the face of the earth from being weightless with joy. In the past, only several drinks had made her feel this light, this airy, this _happy_.

"Come inside. I need...I need to..."

"I know, Erin."

Somehow they got into the house, and from there upstairs to the blonde's bedroom. It was fully dark by now, and silver moonlight streamed in through the window, splashing across the bed. Alex was still wearing her work clothes because she hadn't been home. Erin was shaking.

"If this is a dream, I want to sleep forever."

Alex began to undress her, her hands making slow work of her clothes. She was terrified of what the morning would bring, but she couldn't hide it anymore. Being without Erin for these last couple of months had been like not being able to get enough air, and if this was an overly emotional decision, then who cared? She was entitled to not _always_ be logical. She could only fall if no one was there to catch her.

"I love you." Her voice was thick when she said it, thick with desire and love and need and emotions she couldn't even put a name to. No more running, not ever again. The past was over and done with. And there was no future for her without this proud, stubborn, glorious woman in it. 

"As long as forever lasts, that's how long I want."

Erin could only nod, because if she tried to talk she was going to cry, and she was baring Alex's body for her eyes. If the pain of before had had a purpose, it was to bring them here. Love was powerful. A cacophony within the soul. The bells of it were ringing so loudly in Erin's mind that she was amazed Alex couldn't hear it.

They ended up in bed, and it was as it had ever been, gentle and demanding at once. Alex watched her lover's face in between kisses, her fingers and her mouth finding all the familiar spots on the other woman's body. Physical geography. Erin arched into her touch, that hungry look on her face, the one she got when it was good. 

The blonde's orgasm burst deep in her guts, a supernova of relief. She turned her face away towards the wall because she was crying, but Alex turned her face gently back towards her, then kissed the tears away. "You don't have to hide from me." She heard it through the haze of satisfaction. "Not ever again. We're going to be brave together now."

Whatever tomorrow brought, they'd face it. Up to and including telling Erin's children. Alex mourned for the fact that this meant hurting James further, and she would cushion the blow as much as she could. He'd been important to her for a long time, and she owed it to him to be kind. The woman beside her was warm and solid and real. They snuggled down beneath the covers, and Alex slung an arm over Erin from behind. So they could sleep like spoons. 

Together. As it had probably always been meant to be.


End file.
